just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
