I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
