Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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