There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
