i already hear my dad disowning me
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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