I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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