i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
