We won't sleep together?
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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