Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
