I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
