Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
