god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
