So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Randomize
