She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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