i was rollin on her like bob the builder
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
