This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
