What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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