the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
