And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
