Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
