When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
