Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
God gave him joint rollers for hands
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
