My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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