You can't motorboat a personality
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
