I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
