i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
