so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
