You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
