I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
