I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
