I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
