Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
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I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
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I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize