meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
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she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
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Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
where are my eyebrows?
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