New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
