your parents love me but you hate me
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
