happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
