ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
my being single is dangerous.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
