If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
She announced her abortion via fbk
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
We need a shit load of segways right now
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
