You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
