I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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