Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
