My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
