Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
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