you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Randomize
