Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
