Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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