her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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