Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
