Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
