hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
