also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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