Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
