Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
ttyl tear gas
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
